Sweet Carroll Nine

After the positive start against the French we English were fairly confident as we came up against Sweden, easy win surely? Well considering we have never actually beaten Sweden it was not going to be as straight forward as first though. But as I'm English I was confident and because I was on the beers I was even more confident. England to win easy was my prediction, with that I stuck £3 on an England win and £1 on Carroll to score. After a top barbecue cooked by the local Paedofile (Jack Benham), me and 13 mates sat down on the sofa ahead of kickoff, then quickly arose again to blast out 'god save the queen' I would have got goosebumps if we had sung it better than a drowning Justin Bieber, yes we were awful lets hope England were better!
When the game finally got underway me and mates were already worst for wear and found a African drum, so next thing you know we've got a 14 man strong atmosphere going that still shits on Chelsea! It was a typical football atmosphere within my sitting room yet our celebrations were a tad better than average especially when big Andy headed home to put us in the lead! Yes you read it right Andy Carroll scored! This caused a room of nutters to become a room of mental asylum candidates as you had a little bundle and me punching the ceiling, but that just shows our pride for the country and love for Roy's boys. At 1-0 I thought we were safe its only Sweden and everyone was having a good game even Milner!  Mumbles and slurred words were ringing round the room that the job was done and we were pretty much in the quarters, Then the halftime whistle blew and we decided to compare Paddy Cowell's boob size to that of girls we all have a liking for, Paddy 1-0 Milli. Being in the state I was I thought it was suitable to ring Milli and inform her, bad move. 

Somebody cant deal with the toilet or a beer!

Then the second half started, I was confident England obviously weren't and Melberg obviously was as he quickly smashed English dreams as he slotted home with a bit of assistance from Glen Johnson and then 10 minutes later he scored again this time with his head, my thoughts on this were summed up with 1 word and that would be 'w*nker'. But then Roy made his wonder sub and that was wonder wal! 'Why not the ox? Walcott's shit and I'm an Arsenal fan' was said by a couple as he came on. But boy did he prove us wrong and sent me nutty as he smashed home from outside the box. My reaction to this was to run topless around the garden and belly slide, watch and learn crouchy! But Walcott's goal raised lots of questions such as 'Why don't we shoot from outside the box?' He proved that you score if you do! The nerves grew as the seconds ticked by and my money was slowly running away, Then wonder Wal once again produced a bit of magic in the 78th minute as he slipped past a couple of defenders and crossed it in to Welbeck who produced a worldie of a finish to stick us 3-2 up! I was in love with Walcott however I found Joe Harris running round the garden with me and thought he will do and shared a little hug and kiss with him, not in a gay way. Then the nerves grew as we could just see Sweden scoring, for once I was not confident, must be the beer! Luckily Ibrahimovic was about as much use to Sweeden as toilet paper is to an Arab. Then the fulltime whistle blewand I think it was obvious that the win meant a lot, as the room rose up to sing football's coming home! What a game and what a hero that boy walcott has become, bring on Ukraine! My main question of the night is 'who shat on the toilet seat?' I'm still worried by that lads. However  who cares we won, Footballs coming home, come on England, we can do it we've got Walcott!

The dreaded opener

So today we had England's opener and the reaction twitter has given me is a lot more positive than first feared. I started the affair in my usual fashion by singing the anthem stood up by the sofa, yes I'm patriotic and love my country. The boys finally showed some passion in that shirt and it was great to see the ox putting a well deserved appearance in. As a fan I sat there and watched as Joe Hart flapped his way through the opening affairs until he finally got his professional head on. Then we had the goal that 'my Nan could of scored' as many said. But in Milners defense I was shocked that he managed to go forward and round the keeper but as its positives we will forget what he done next.
However after a decent start from Milner his appearance was just getting worse and worse until people were crying for Walcott the player that's been called shit all season? Anyway that's England fans for you. Then you had the goal and how glorious was it? The answer to that would be very as you had a nation on its feet screaming at the tv in disbelief that we had actually gone in front against the french! Being the rugby fan I am there is nothing better than sticking it to the french. This gave me and my friend confidence that we were already home and dry yet we were not even near half time! Deluded England fans I know.
As the confidence grew the inevitable struck as Samir Nasri fired a 20 yard shot past Joe Hart at his near post, the feeling around the nation was well and truly reflected in my room as silence occurred until my friend (Arsenal fan) said "Samir your a c*nt" I finally agreed with him. Then the doubt kicked in that I had upon kickoff but now it was stronger as France began to dominate and so did there fans with the camera shots. Most countries get good looking fans but not France which increased my hatred for the nation. Half time couldn't come sooner when Roy's boys went trotting of down the tunnel.
Were we gonna see an inspirational team talk that would inspire a hat-trick or 2. No certainly not as we saw France dominate early proceedings of the second half. But then someone clicked and England found a new style which I and twitter loved (apart from the welsh) It was almost as though we had gone all European and begun to enjoy the slow life just like the likes of Spain. Overstatement? More than likely yes. As England got going though the ref seemed to forget he had a whistle, being a rugby bo I liked seeing him ignore the dives but come on ref you were taking the piss!
As we got mad the minutes went by and so did the energy that the early minutes had. Then came some game changing subs, Andy Carroll maybe? No Jordan Henderson and Jermaine Defoe to replace Parker and Welbeck 2 of England's stars of the day. How did Milner stay on the pitch, is he dating Roy's daughter? These changes made no difference and the minutes ticked of as the smell of my dinner grew larger. Then Walcott appears finally some impact but wait he has about 4 minutes, who can make an impact in 4 minutes? The only good news of this was that Milner left the field. Yes as you can tell I dont like Milner.
The final whistle sounded and the fans feedback was coming in over text and all were positive. We all love the tactics and enjoyed the performance against a strong French side. I for one believe again. Football is coming home. Bring on Sweeden!